I'm finding peace of mind after changing a mindset that kept me in crisis

As a child, I grew up with depression, drama, alcoholic drinking, and rage. I withdrew into a fantasy world, without communication, where I felt safe and in control.

As a young adult, my coping skills were useless; in the real world, they were liabilities. I hated it, but I often found myself re-creating the behavior patterns that I learned growing up in an alcoholic home.

I didn’t see the warning signs when I started dating my first husband, who was an alcoholic. Through the lens of my distorted vision, I saw someone who needed me to help him to navigate his life. Crisis and drama became a way of life.

After being rescued by neighbors from yet another violent episode with my husband, I found myself homeless, without any income, and with a toddler and an infant in my care. Still I thought I knew best and proceeded to dictate my wants to God in my self-centered prayers.

Some years later I remarried; he was a wonderful, kind man who loved me. I tried to love him, to the best of my ability. But despite this wonderful relationship, a good job, a comfortable home, and healthy children, I found myself spiraling down into a deep depression. My life seemed devoid of any meaning and purpose. I lived in a gray, colorless world.

I read a story written by a woman who, like me, had grown up with alcoholism and found that she carried with her the very problems that she had tried to escape. As I read her story I found that it was my story, too. She articulated my deepest fears and struggles.

My Higher Power used this short story to illuminate the dark world of my understanding. My inner eyes opened and I saw my life from an entirely new perspective.

I began attending Al-Anon. With help and support, I came to embrace Step One and my powerlessness over people, places, and things. I came to see how unmanageable my life had become.

Instead of creating a crisis, I focused my energy on working the Twelve Steps with a Sponsor; attending meetings on a regular basis; using the phone list to reach out when I found myself isolating; and being of service. Utilizing the slogans, I can turn my thinking around and gain a fresh perspective in just minutes. The Serenity Prayer becomes a mantra when I need help and clarity.

The rewards of working the program come daily: I wake up each new day, willing and able to take it “one step at a time.” I am healing broken relationships with my Higher Power and my family. I have peace of mind, and a sense of gratitude, that my Higher Power doesn’t always give me what I want, but always provides what I need.

By Maya R., Minnesota
The Forum, August 2010

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