Communication in alcoholic relationships

Step One: Turmoil and tranquility at the ocean’s edge—I am powerless

By Barb R.
Step One
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

While I sat at the ocean’s edge, it was obvious that there was a Power greater than I. The sea was immense—waves rolling in and out without ceasing. Nothing I could do would stop the motion, change the waves significantly, or corral the vast amount of water that stretched to the horizon and beyond. I was absolutely powerless over this body of water.

I observed beachgoers over the course of a week. When the surf was rough and choppy, most people noted the advisories and stayed on shore. A few went in anyway where they were thrashed about. One was scraped and bloodied, another was caught in a riptide—a lifeguard had to rescue him.

When the water was calm, people of all ages relaxed in the water where the ocean gently massaged them. As the waves got a little bigger, people had fun bodysurfing or catching a wave on a surfboard.

The pleasure, the tranquility, came from accepting the ocean for what it was and responding to it accordingly. No amount of cajoling could whip up waves to surf on a calm day. No amount of screaming or whining could calm the roiling sea on a stormy day.

God used my week at the ocean to help me see that there is at least one vast thing over which I am totally powerless—over which I will never have control. Could I possibly be equally powerless over alcohol and my alcoholic loved ones as well?

Instead of spending my life trying to control the uncontrollable and always wishing the day brought something different, can’t I go with the flow today? I can relax, rejoice, and be recreated in the calm moments, and not allow myself to enter into the storms when they roll in.

In this way, I can admit my powerlessness over alcohol, yet keep control over my feelings and reactions. By letting go and trusting God, I can enjoy my life the same way I enjoy the beach—“One Day at a Time.”

The Forum, January 2007
© Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 2007. All Rights Reserved.

Who Was Controlling the Plane?

By Cathy S., Oregon

Half an hour into a two-hour flight, the plane hit a large area of turbulence. I was on a business trip traveling on our company plane. Since it was a small plane, the pilot couldn’t fly above the turbulence, so we had to endure flying through it. Usually turbulence doesn’t affect me, but the plane was not only jumping up and down, it was also bouncing side to side. The luggage was falling from the overhead racks.

We traveled like that for ten minutes before I realized I had tensed up and was holding onto the bottom of my seat. I actually believed I was keeping the plane in the air! Looking around, I noticed everyone else was doing the same.

I started thinking about how I had used the same technique concerning my life with the alcoholic. As long as I was vigilant controlling things around me, I thought I had control of my surroundings.

Then I thought about how I could apply the first three Steps to this situation. I had to admit I was powerless over turbulence and let go of my seat. I came to the conclusion that my Higher Power would get the plane to the ground one way or another—that was not up to me. When I was able to let go of the situation, a feeling of calm surrounded me. My flight was more comfortable from that point on.

After landing, I was joking about the experience with some of the other passengers who mentioned they noticed I wasn’t nervous. What a gift—to be able to use the Steps to help me through the bumps in my life.

The Forum, July 2006
© Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 2006. All Rights Reserved.

Benefits of Letting Go

By Bill D., Florida

When a good friend in Al-Anon said, “He’s destroying himself—it’s killing me,” I remembered why I belong in this program. Like my friend, sometimes I forget that I don’t need to fall over on the floor and die if the person sitting next to me takes poison!

I’ve discovered in Al-Anon that I spent most of my life focusing on other people rather than on myself. If a small child is about to fall, my natural instinct is to reach out to prevent the toddler from getting hurt. Before Al-Anon, I kept reaching out to help adults who hadn’t asked for my help.

I’m adopting a different attitude in recovery. How can I know what’s best for others? I frequently don’t know what’s best for me. Other people have the right to make their own choices without my advice.

Applying Step One in my life has helped with my tendency to control others. All of my attempts failed to control alcoholism, the alcoholic, or other people. My initial realization that I’m powerless was very disappointing because my pattern was to try to help others by fixing their problems.

The benefits of letting go of my self-imposed responsibility to fix others far outweighed the disappointments. I learned I wasn’t responsible for other people’s problems and that other people deserved the respect and dignity to deal with their own problems without my interference.

A Flood of Insight

By Jerry P., Texas

After we received torrents of rain in just three days, we watched the flood waters approach our home. The closer the water came to our doorstep, the more fearful and frustrated we became. Looking out the window as the rain continued to fall, I felt as though each individual drop hit me right in the heart. At that point, I had been in Al-Anon for about two years.

As the water started creeping into our house, we fought back as fast as possible. We stuffed towels under the doors to soak up what rain water we could. At some point while my wife and I tried to control the uncontrollable, we happened to look at each other. Our awareness and acceptance of the powerlessness we experienced in this situation hit us at the same time. We pulled up chairs, sat down facing each other, propped our feet up in each other’s chair, and watched the water in our home continue to rise.

As I sat there, I saw the similarities between trying to fight the slow progression of the flood in our house and dealing with active alcoholism in our home. My feelings about the slow progression of alcoholism invading our spiritual and emotional lives resembled the way I felt watching the flood waters overrun our house. Instead of rainfall and rising water levels causing heartache, it was the falling levels of whisky in bottles that hurt me. Every drop my wife drank hit me in my heart. Just as I tried to control the water as it invaded our house, I tried with all my might to fight the alcoholism that was destroying my family. Until I found Al-Anon, I did not know that fighting alcoholism was an exercise in futility.

Sitting in my home that day, I thought about how much someone caught in a flooding whirlpool is like a person living with active alcoholism. Without the help of Al-Anon, I would have continued spinning in circles while alcoholism sucked me down into that emotional and spiritual spiral.
Because Al-Anon members shared their experience, strength, and hope with me, I gained the courage and wisdom necessary to do things differently. I still find myself going in circles from time to time, but eventually I move in a positive direction—now that I have Al-Anon.

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