Asking For Help

Guiding Principles

By Carole R., Missouri
The Forum, February 2004

Detachment has long been an issue for me. I was still trying to manipulate and control my adult children in their early 30s. I wanted to save my addicted son, but he wasn’t cooperative!

As time went by the slogan, “Let Go and Let God,” and the Serenity Prayer were my guiding principles. However, I still found myself floundering and unable to say no to requests for money to pay for lawyers’ fees or groceries.

One day at a meeting I picked up the leaflet, Detachment (S-19). Someone had used a yellow highlighter to mark the words, “In Al-Anon we learn not to create a crisis,” and, “In Al-Anon we learn not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.” Finding this pamphlet at that particular point in my recovery meant my Higher Power was leading the way. I only needed to follow.

My son is now in prison and I was able to let him follow his own path. What I could not control, he is learning for himself. I have learned to set boundaries so as not to involve myself in creating or preventing crises. I have a trusted Al-Anon Sponsor who supports me and shares her experiences with me through my heartaches and my hopes for growth. I live in gratitude, one day at a time.

Now or Never

By Tina R., Arkansas
The Forum, May 2004

After years of active drinking, my husband found sobriety and I was thrilled. Finally I was going to have the husband and perfect life I always wanted.

To my surprise that wasn’t what happened. My husband still spent a lot of time away. I was still the one taking care of the children, the bills, and everything else—poor me. After he had been sober for a while, he began to change—but not into what I wanted. He developed a mind of his own. I could no longer control him and I resented him. As he got better and better, I became sicker and sicker. I found myself alone, facing a divorce and custody battle—but how could this happen? I was the responsible one!

At my husband’s earlier request, I attended some Al-Anon meetings but I didn’t think I needed those people. I sure didn’t need a Higher Power. I could control my own life and make my own destiny. I did pick up some of the Al-Anon slogans, which I used enough in meetings to let everyone know I was doing great, but I would never really need them.

After 11 months on my own, my best thinking and planning brought me to the point where I sat at home thinking of suicide. Suddenly it all started coming back to me. I remembered things that were said in meetings, some of the slogans people used, and happy, caring faces. I realized I couldn’t fall any lower, so I reached my bottom. It was now or never and I was willing to do anything to ease my pain.

I decided to return to meetings without knowing if they would accept me or turn me away when they found out I had been lying. They didn’t run me off. Instead they greeted me with understanding and compassion.

This was a new experience for me. I admitted I was powerless and my life was unmanageable. I asked my Higher Power for help, found a Sponsor, and started working the Twelve Steps.

Almost a year later, my life has changed so much. Since I took that First Step, my husband and I are back together. My children are happy and I am happy. I truly have a wonderful life.

Even though there are still problems in my life, I now have the help of my Higher Power. I have my Al-Anon friends, meetings, literature, and a loving Sponsor. I am not alone and I can live a wonderful life, “One Day at a Time.” I have become what I heard so much at those early meetings—happy and full of joy. I will be forever grateful.

Solving My Problem

By Beth K., Iowa
The Forum, October 2005

Three months into the program, I finally had the courage to ask someone to be my Sponsor. She felt she hadn’t been in Al-Anon long enough to sponsor another member. Her response crushed me so much that I decided I didn’t really need a Sponsor—I could get along without one.

After attending a newcomers meeting for several months, I shopped around for a home group. Life went on. My husband and I adopted a baby. We arranged our work schedules to avoid placing our baby in day care. I worked Monday through Friday and my husband drove a truck on the weekends. He left Friday night and returned early Monday morning before I went to work. That seemed to operate smoothly.

Following a particularly stressful workweek, our refrigerator broke over the weekend. It was full of food so I had to deal with keeping the food cold, contacting our landlord, and purchasing a new refrigerator—all while taking care of our baby.

When my husband called Sunday night to tell me his truck had broken down and he would not be home before I went to work in the morning, I was livid! Screaming into the phone, I blamed him for the rotten week I had. It was his fault the refrigerator stopped working. He must have done something to cause the truck to break down. How dare he not come home when I had been doing everything the last three days! Without a backup plan for someone to watch our baby, what would I do? I had to go to work and I couldn’t take our baby just anywhere. I would need to register at a day care and provide the baby’s immunization card.

What was my husband thinking? He had to be home before I left for work the following morning. I was so angry that I hung up on him. With the baby in my arms, I sat on the floor next to the refrigerator and sobbed.

Finally I was receptive to my Higher Power. I could see clearly that I was out of control. I’d been in the program for a year and I felt I was no farther ahead than when I started. Step One came to my mind: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.” My life was unmanageable and I had just proven it. There was absolutely nothing I could do about my husband’s truck or his ability to be home when I needed to leave for work.

Then I thought of Step Two: “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Yes, I could see I was not sane. Nothing I had said to my husband was sane and I understood why I needed a Sponsor. In trying to work the program on my own I had gotten nowhere. Somewhere deep inside me I knew if I really wanted to change I would do what the Al-Anon members suggested.

I solved my day care problem and even apologized to my husband. A few days later, I called a woman my counselor had suggested I talk with before I started attending Al-Anon. We had never met, but we had talked. I felt very comfortable with her, so I called and asked her to be my Sponsor. She said yes and I’ve been on the most wonderful journey of my life because she has shared her experience, strength, and hope with me. Now I understand my Higher Power had a plan for me all along. He knew how to reach me and who would be the best Sponsor for me.

Choosing Differently Boosted My Self-Esteem

By Anonymous, Canada
The Forum, September 2006

God gave me an unusual gift. When I was born, I was missing a hand. My parents tell me I was a happy, loving, outgoing, little girl. When I entered grade one, I started to change. I became angry, ashamed, and self-critical. In order to cope, I started denying who I was. I began hiding that part of me, which took so much energy and caused great anxiety.

Numerous counselors tried to help me overcome my fears of rejection and my difficulties with self-acceptance. I lost out on many opportunities due to feeling insecure with the way I look. I was depressed, suicidal, and I isolated myself from others. I was deteriorating emotionally and physically. I tried changing my outer appearance to make myself look better—to make me feel beautiful.

Some of my choices led me down traumatic roads. I mistook sex for love and became promiscuous, which left me feeling unhappy. I used food to comfort my unhealthy feelings and became overweight. I realized the way I was living wasn’t working for me, but continued living in the insanity. I feel sad when I think about how I stayed married to an abusive alcoholic who disrespected me, humiliated me, and broke my heart.

Al-Anon has helped change my life. I’ve overcome situations I never believed I could. In Al-Anon I’ve learned to be honest with who I am and to love and accept myself. I got tired of being a victim. I no longer rely on others for my happiness—instead I turn to my Higher Power or my Sponsor. In return I feel relief and serenity. I’m gentle with myself and understand this is a lifetime commitment.

This past year, I’ve seen so much growth in myself. I’m learning to “Let Go and Let God.” Shame, guilt, and old resentments are disappearing from my past. The quality of my relationships with my children, friends, and family are improving.

Although I still struggle with my ex-husband’s alcoholism, I know that one day—because of this Twelve Step program—there will be peace between us. For the first time in my life, I’m able to look at myself and say, “I love you.”

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