Using the Concepts in Our Personal Lives

The spiritual foundation for Al-Anon’s world services is contained in the General Warranties of the Conference, Article 12 of the Charter.

The Warranties are the spiritual principles that guide us in all of our actions in Al-Anon as a fellowship. They identify the issues that often lead to conflict and confusion both in our Al-Anon service and in our personal lives. They suggest that wealth, power, and prestige can be barriers to sound spiritual practice; they show the balance necessary to counteract these obstacles.

Concept Twelve is about prudence. When I first heard the Warranties and the idea of prudence, I thought that I needed to be cautious and somewhat fearful–the principles that guided my life at that time. I was afraid to make a mistake, not trusting of others, and trying to figure out how to control each situation so that it would do me the least damage.

When I think about prudence now, I realize that it is guiding me to strike a balance in my life between “I know everything” and “I know nothing:” striking a balance against the extremes that the family disease of alcoholism taught me. I didn’t understand that wealth, power, and prestige could be positive attributes because I envied those who possessed them. I minimized those individuals because they had what I wanted and I didn’t know how to get it.

When I came to Al-Anon, I heard those same fears expressed that I had always felt: money—we don’t have enough; power—he’s trying to control everything, even though as a group we were unwilling to do anything; and prestige—they just want those jobs because they think they are better than the rest of us.

Spiritual principles are not about fear and control. They are to empower and guide us in making the best decisions possible based on the information available at the time. They help me to think in a broader, more expansive way. Again, I must continually seek the right balance between the two extremes as I see them.

I was in Al-Anon more than twenty years before I realized that the first Warranty was about an ample– not a prudent– reserve. What a different concept! We are to have enough, not have fear of enough. We can have enough money to meet our needs, but not so much that we fear losing it. I learned in Al-Anon that money could be a tool for good things. In my past, it had always been something to fight over.

In my personal relations with others, I had to learn the balance between being a good friend and a pest; between a person who could help someone–if asked–and one who pitched in, took control, and solved the problem, whether it needed solving or not. I had to learn to step back, wait to be asked, clarify what I was being asked to do, and then do only that task. As a result, not only did others seek me out, but when I provided the work requested, I wasn’t so exhausted that I couldn’t take care of my own needs. I learned that it was OK to say “no” as well—without feeling guilty or having to make up excuses.

In reaching out to others, whether to sell myself to an employer or to bring others to Al-Anon Family Groups, I need to remember prudence in my relations with the public. If I oversell either myself or Al-Anon, people may be inclined to turn away and retain a negative impression. Before
Al-Anon, I was so desperate, that I made a spectacle of myself trying to attract attention. I was so loud, overbearing, and sarcastic—trying to be noticed and to get people to like me. I had no idea of how to attract someone to me because I wasn’t attractive to myself. When I came to Al-Anon, I wanted everyone to find the help I had found. The reality was that while I barely understood the program myself, I didn’t grasp its spiritual strength. I knew that I had a God of my understanding and assumed that He was telling me what was right for each of you. It is truly in the spiritual awakening as a result of working these Steps (that the Twelfth Step talks about) that I learned to attract others to the program by how I acted and not just what I said.

This entry is the final installment on a journey with each of you to try and understand the Concepts and how to use them in our personal lives. I hope that you have gained as much from reading the sharings and adding your own thoughts as I have. Many times during the year, people have thanked me for sharing this blog with you. The reality, for me, is that it never was about what I shared. It was always about bringing each of us to a higher level of shared understanding.

While this blog will close on December 31st, all of the sharings will remain posted on the site for an additional year. Beginning in January, we will launch a new series on Using the Traditions in Our Personal Lives. Several trusted servants have agreed to write one or more of the opening portions so that each of us can continue to grow in our understanding and awareness, one legacy at a time.

Now it is your time to share how using the ideas contained in the General Warranties in a prudent manner could free you or has freed you in your personal life whether at home, at work, or in any type of service.

Read the chapter on Concept 12 from Paths to Recovery (B-24)
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The World Service Office is composed of selected committees, executives and staff members.

Concept Eleven highlights the basic premise of Al-Anon principles. Good business practices are achieved when sound spiritual principles are followed. A common misconception is that operating our service structures using business principles is somehow abandoning the concept of relying on a Power greater than ourselves. Bill W. actually dismisses this idea in his Leadership essay in Concept Nine when he reminds us that God or Providence has endowed us with the ability to think and apparently expects us to use that ability.

The Concept reminds us, as many other Concepts have, that there are enough people, enough wisdom, and enough responsibility to achieve the needs of the fellowship when we follow the
Al-Anon principles. I have discussed previously the Right of Decision and Right of Participation and how they are integral to our service structure when volunteers are doing the business of the
Al-Anon fellowship at the group, district, or Area level. This Concept reminds us that those same principles are applied to the management of the business structures created to serve our fellowship, whether at the Al-Anon Information Service, Literature Distribution Center, Area office, or the World Service Office level.

Concept Eleven reminds us that someone must have the responsibility and authority to make day-to-day business decisions to ensure that the goals set by the volunteers are completed. When there are multiple paid workers, there must be an executive who is capable of weighing the necessary options to proceed and then able to give guidance to the workers in a way that allows them to achieve success. You could imagine how burdensome it would be if any time the office needed supplies, the office board or committee had to be convened in order to decide the size, type, color, and cost of a box of folders and whether to purchase them or not. The same is true in our personal work environments as well as our homes. Every decision cannot involve everyone. Nor can a single person with limited authority accomplish what is needed to move a project or idea forward.

When we have paid workers, they should be treated fairly. They are to receive a fair salary for the level of work that they perform, and as Concept Ten reminded us, they are to be given sufficient authority to meet the job responsibilities they are assigned. Because they have a job description, they know the limits of their authority and as Concept Eleven suggests, each and every employee would understand when to consult and when to act. They are still trusted servants when performing this paid work and not subject to the control or abuse of individual members who feel compelled to make unreasonable demands while reminding the employee that they are, in fact, their boss. When practicing the spiritual principle of fairness outlined in Concept Eleven, we realize that those unreasonable members are misinformed and may be unaware that their actions are inappropriate.

In our personal lives, we should treat our employees and coworkers as valued participants in our success and pay them appropriately. Within the family, we want to be sure that we share responsibility for financial decisions in proportion to their contributions to the family’s well-being. To hold on to money, requiring family members to ask each time they need something, does not teach responsibility and certainly causes resentment.

The third spiritual principle outlined in Concept Eleven states that paid staff are given the right of participation and mutual respect as it relates to their specific jobs. For Al-Anon members, this only makes sense as we know that group conscience is achieved when the right people with the right information are at the table. This principle can also be misapplied, when members state “We are all equals, therefore everyone should have an equal say in all decisions.” You can imagine the chaos that would exist if employees were consulted about each decision necessary to ensure the work is done. As we explained in Concept Four, participation is the key to harmony—when you are invited to participate.

Concept Eleven reminds us that paid workers should be consulted when the decisions involve their work. We want to treat our employees as part of a team, again keeping in mind that their participation is limited to their level of responsibility. Secretaries would obviously not be consulted about employment policies regarding attendance or salaries. They would, however, have valuable information about the correct way to speak with a newcomer who calls the office seeking help. While Al-Anon is unique in this approach, we can utilize it in our workplace. Members of a project can be periodically consulted to determine whether the original thought or concept is working so that timely adjustments can be made. A supervisor who is unable to revise plans, who fails to listen to those with expertise, is not only likely to make errors but could be set up by his coworkers who feel left out of making the best decisions. A child who has a different plan to accomplish a task should be allowed to try the idea so long as the ultimate goal is reached.

The ideas in Concept Eleven are not about power and authority; rather they outline how the fair exercise of power and authority can produce satisfactions not only for the workers but also for the volunteers who are given the responsibility to set the policies necessary to achieve the work. We create structures (committees) to bring the best ideas and—with minimal guidance—allow them to do their work. If adjustments are needed, we discuss those ideas but remember to give the job back to the committee to complete. In this way, not only will there be enough people to get the job done, but more people will have had an opportunity to experience these principles in action.

In this way, I learn that who makes the decision is not as important as the quality of the decision made.

Now it is your time to share how applying the spiritual ideas of our program is consistent with good business practice. Consider how such ideas have or could have empowered you, your coworkers, Al-Anon service workers or others with whom you interact.

Read the chapter on Concept 11 from Paths to Recovery (B-24)
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Service responsibility is balanced by carefully defined service authority and double-headed management is avoided.

Concept Ten reminds us to make sure that people know what their job is before they begin to work on it.  When we don’t clearly define what is expected, we leave the other person to fill in the blanks.  Then, if authority is exceeded, both parties are confused and disappointed.

All service jobs should create success for both the person doing the job and the person who has the responsibility to oversee the job.  Conflict is guaranteed, when enough time is not spent in clarifying the limits of authority.  Everyone wants to do a good job but many of us do nothing because we don’t want to make mistakes and be corrected.

As a child, I took on responsibilities that I thought were mine even though no one asked me.  I became the parental figure in our home when my mother was at work.  My brother and sister did not appreciate my assumption of authority and frequently conspired to undermine my “well-meaning” efforts.  The reality was that once my father had left the home; there was no clear authority when my mother was gone.  I decided that as the oldest, authority would fall naturally to me.

Throughout my life, I kept stepping in to situations where I perceived a vacuum; and each time I experienced resistance when others thought that I was trying to control their lives.  I was–but didn’t someone have to fix their problems since they weren’t doing it themselves?

Even after I joined Al-Anon, my early service jobs created conflict when others stepped in to help and no one had asked them for their assistance.  I came to understand the need to clarify roles and ask questions before I began to act.  Later as an employer, I understood the need for clear job descriptions. 

But handing someone a piece of paper was not enough.  We had to have a discussion about what the words actually meant.  Some people assumed that a certain title meant a certain level of responsibility even when the job description said otherwise.  Others took general descriptions of a task to imply broader responsibilities that those requested.  Again, we had to talk to each other and reason things out.  If you know what I expect and what I intend to hold you accountable for, then my supervision of your performance and achievement of those goals is not double-headed management.

However, if we are clear as the limits of your responsibility, I must step back and let you do your job.  Again, accountability and checking in will ensure that you are moving in the right direction and reassure me that the task is being completed.  Silence and secrecy on either person’s part will only undermine trust – and a collision is guaranteed.

Also, Concept Ten reminds us that if you give someone responsibility, you have to give them sufficient authority to do the job.  So if you are in charge of decorations, I need to give you a budget, a limit to your authority.  Then–as long as you stay within that limit– it is not important to me whether you buy crepe paper, make hand-made decorations, or hire a decorator to do the job.  If it’s important that the decorator only include certain items, then an outline of what is proposed could be requested before the go ahead is given.  All of this must be discussed in advance, not after the contracts have signed and the balloons are inflated.

Statements like:  “I wouldn’t have done it that way.”  or “I thought you knew…” are often signals that the communication didn’t take place.  Responses similar to:  “It’s my job, leave me alone.”  or “I don’t have to ask you….” are additional signs that clear understanding was not achieved.

If I want others to help me and be responsible for the tasks I delegate to them, then I must give a clear job description in writing and take the time to discuss each task to achieve a clear understanding for both the worker and the manager.  Only then can each of us be successful and double-headed management be avoided.

Now is your time to share how you have applied or could have better applied this principle of achieving clarity and accountability in the job responsibilities you have delegated in your personal, work or service experiences.

Read the chapter on Concept 10 from Paths to Recovery (B-24)
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Good personal leadership at all service levels is a necessity. In the field of World Service the Board of Trustees assumes primary leadership.

This Concept reminds us that a structure, no matter how perfect, cannot function well without adequate leadership and that leaders no matter how great can not perform well in a poorly designed structure. I think of my home before Al-Anon. Even when I wasn’t focusing on the alcoholic, I was obsessing about something else. The focus was always on trying to fix others and never on taking care of me.

Sometimes as members we hear that we are powerless over the alcoholic and so decide to commit our energy and “power” towards controlling the groups or other members. This approach is not leadership; it is manipulation and a poor attempt at management.

I have come to understand through studying Bill W.’s essay on leadership within Concept Nine of the Al-Anon/Alateen Service Manual, leaders are those members with skills that attract other members and make us want to follow them. They do not force their ideas on us. They take time to allow us to understand their ideas, and then listen to our comments to see how those ideas can be improved and implemented with the best results.

I have also come to understand that there are some who will always have comments and complaints. They seek to politicize or criticize rather than improve and strengthen Al-Anon as a whole. We hope that there are few of these members within Al-Anon. I have learned to judge my motives before I share my opinions about another’s work.

Bill’s essay also tells us that leaders are people who exhibit responsibility, stability, tolerance, flexibility, judgment, and vision. For those of us who live in a world of absolutes, Bill warns that each of us doesn’t have to possess all of these talents, but any successful endeavor will need a combination of leaders that possess a mixture of these talents. He also discusses the idea that different jobs require different talents.

In my home, I am not the only leader. Each of us does those tasks and chores which best suit our personalities and abilities. I ask for help when I need it and I offer to help before I jump in and try to contribute something when my help is neither needed nor desired.

In my group, it is my responsibility as an Al-Anon member to look for those members who have these talents and to encourage and nurture these members to consider further leadership roles and then to invite them to take these jobs when they are able.

At all levels, I need to acknowledge that conflict is a normal part of life. How I react or respond to conflict in all situations not only improves my recovery but also makes conflict safe for others. When I become part of the conflict and respond in anger, I become an example of behavior that neither attracts members nor strengthens Al-Anon as a whole.

Regardless of my motives or my “enlightened wisdom”, when I try to force my way onto others, I become one of those individuals who, as Bill says, “are just rationalizing themselves into nonsense.” I need to listen to others in accordance with Concept Five in order to make the most informed decisions. My job as a leader is not to bring everyone to unanimous understanding, but it is my responsibility to see that everyone charged with making a decision has access to all the information necessary to lead to an informed group conscience.

Finally, I have come to understand that planning for the future of Al-Anon Family Groups is not in conflict with the concept of living “One Day at a Time.” As Bill suggests, “God has endowed human beings with considerable capacity for foresight and evidently expects us to use it.” It is my job as a leader, in consultation with others, to determine what is realistically possible and what may be unreachable fantasy. I can acknowledge that what may not be feasible today could be possible in the future with adequate planning and a change of circumstances.

As a trusted servant leader, as I learn to acknowledge my skills and talents, it is easier to accept that others also have talents and skills which supplement and strengthen the work to be accomplished. I do not have to do it all on my own. 

Now it is your time to share how using the understanding and utilizing the various leadership talents that you have been given or developed has assisted you in your personal life whether at home, at work, or in any type of service.

Read the chapter on Concept 9 from Paths to Recovery (B-24)
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The Board of Trustees delegates full authority for routine management of Al-Anon Headquarters to its executive committees.

This Concept continues to demonstrate the idea that sharing responsibility guarantees that those best suited to do the work will always be the safest alternative for getting the job done correctly. Just as it would be impossible for each group to manage the day-to-day operation of the World Service Office, so too would it be impractical for the Conference, which meets annually for a week, to become involved in all of decisions that need to be made to unify and support the groups. Even the Board, which meets quarterly, cannot manage all of the details necessary to ensure a smooth operation of the office, so the Board delegated the routine management to its Executive Committee. This group meets monthly, reviews the operational reports of the Directors and the Executive Director and gives approval for new projects. To ensure clarity of roles, the Executive Committee minutes are shared with the Board (accountability) and its actions are affirmed by the Board at its quarterly meeting.

This Concept further clarifies for me the difference between a manager and a leader. In my work life, I have overall responsibility for the implementation of the Board and Conference policies. But I can’t be involved in every decision. No member wants me to know the cost of purchasing pens or where is the best place to buy them. I don’t need to know how many calls each person answers daily but I do need to know that there are sufficient employees to answer the phones.

At an information service level or an Area, volunteers are more involved in details because there is no paid staff. As we move in Al-Anon to a broader prospective, we learn to focus on the bigger picture and leave the implementation of particular details to those who have been given the work. A Delegate can’t be responsible to make the groups grow or to police groups that don’t follow the Traditions. Delegates may have the information about why the Traditions may be being broken; and they can share that with the Group Representatives and District Representatives. If each of us gets involved in every detail of each task, then we will not be able to do our jobs well.

At the world service level, Trustees can not be expected to know everything. They are not the paid staff. In their wisdom, Trustees delegate to its executive committees those details necessary to ensure a smooth operation of the organization. This allows the Trustees to always keep the broadest picture of where the organization and fellowship are and what needs to be done to move it forward.

At home, balancing the checkbook and cleaning the house are tasks that I not only don’t enjoy but also take a lot of time. So I can give someone the task of balancing the checkbook and yet not give them the authority to write checks. I can hire someone to do the routine cleaning of the house. If I decide it needs a more thorough cleaning, I will either have to pay extra or do it myself.

When I stay in my role as leader, I can give the details of a project to others to manage. In this way, I can focus on what needs to be done and not how it is done. 

Now it is your time to share how operating as a leader in your home, work, or service responsibility will not only free you from becoming mired in details but give those best suited to handle the details the responsibility to do their job.

Read the chapter on Concept 8 from Paths to Recovery (B-24)
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The Trustees have legal rights while the rights of the Conference are traditional.

This Concept is really teaching us about the need to seek clarity in our relationships and roles. Concept One affirms that the ultimate authority and responsibility for Al-Anon Family Groups rests with the groups. We learned that the groups couldn’t do everything so they delegated to the Conference and its service arms complete administrative and operational authority. The groups didn’t give up their ultimate authority, just the amount of authority to allow the Conference to do its job. Likewise, the Conference in Concept Six gave the Board of Trustees primary administrative responsibility. The groups have ultimate authority; the Conference has complete administrative and operational authority; and the Board has primary administrative responsibility. It could seem that these ideas are a recipe for conflict, but with clearer understanding of our roles, we realize this is the framework within which a loving God as expressed in our group conscience at all levels works.

When I first looked at Concept Seven, I was confused. Hadn’t Concept Six already stated this idea? But as I studied further, I came to realize that this Concept explains for the fellowship the difference between Al-Anon Family Groups, the fellowship and Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., the organization. The groups don’t exist in law. As Tradition Nine says, “Our groups, as such, ought never be organized…” The World Service Office, as well as other service offices, whether incorporated or not, has the authority to sign contracts that bind those service arms. The World Service Office hires and fires employees, signs contracts for services, is a not-for-profit corporation, and communicates the message of Al-Anon to the general public and professionals. When an entity is not incorporated, the person who signs the contract is individually responsible. If the service arm defaults in its obligations, that person could be individually sued and could suffer financial loss.

The World Service Office actions and activities are overseen by the Board of Trustees, while the groups have no elected authority—there is no person authorized to sign contracts or create legal responsibility for the group. Our pioneers understood the need for different structures to accomplish different tasks. The fellowship, as united by the Clearing House in 1951, continued to be run by the groups through polling until the Conference was formed in 1961 on a trial basis. In 1954, Lois and other pioneers incorporated the Clearing House, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., so that it could provide the services that the evolving fellowship would need. A Board of Directors was elected, later changed to Board of Trustees. These trusted servants continued to look to the groups as they dealt with the day-to-day functions of the new office. By 1964, the Conference was affirmed and a document to outline the relationship between the Conference (fellowship) and the Board (organization) was needed. This spiritual document is known as the World Service Conference Charter. It was an informal contract between the Conference (which doesn’t exist in law) and the Board, which does. It carefully spelled out the relationships and the clarity of roles of the two bodies. It was then that the Concepts of Service were written and then affirmed by the Conference in 1970.

This mixture of spiritual structures as described in the Traditions and the legal structures explained in the Concepts of Service is what makes Al-Anon, AA, and other Twelve Step fellowships unique. So what does this have to do with my personal life?

In my work environment, I have authority granted by my job description (traditional) and authority granted within the By-Laws of the corporation (legal). In both instances, while I am granted the Right of Decision, the same as any other member, I must remain accountable to the Board of Trustees and ultimately the Conference. I can not bind the Corporation to huge contracts without authority of the Finance Committee through the Budget (legal) nor can I set policies in conflict with the Policy Digest (traditional). Each of us has similar restrictions in our work. Our job descriptions set out the limits of our authority to act for our employer. If we exceed those limits, conflict and sometimes termination can result.

In my family life, I have the legal responsibility for the decisions that I make. If I give someone my credit card and he or she runs up a large bill, I still have the responsibility to pay it. Even if the person promised to pay me, it doesn’t relieve me of the responsibility I accepted when I signed the contract with the credit card company. As parents, we can agree to make certain decisions by group conscience, but the ultimate responsibility for the decision remains with the parents under the law. I could negotiate with my child for a certain curfew. But if that curfew conflicts with the city’s curfew, when the police come to the door with my child, group conscience is not going to be held accountable—I am.

Each of us has a role and a level of decision-making power in each part of our lives. I learned in Step One that I am powerless over you and to stop giving the power over me to others. I am not anyone else’s ultimate authority but I do have legal responsibilities that I can’t pass off to someone else.

Clarifying my role with those I interact with will keep me from exceeding the authority given to me and empower others to find and set their own limits. 

Now it is your time to share how understanding your role in each situation could free you or has freed you in your personal life whether at home, at work, or in any type of service.

Read the chapter on Concept 7 from Paths to Recovery (B-24)
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The Conference acknowledges the primary administrative responsibility of the Trustees.

When I first looked at this Concept, I questioned how it could have anything to do with my personal life. Then I realized that Concept Six was a further expansion of the earlier ideas in Concept One and Concept Two. The groups realized that in order to exercise ultimate responsibility and authority, they had to give away those parts of the job that they couldn’t handle. Imagine each group deciding how many copies of a book to print or whether we needed a new public service announcement. So in Concept Two they delegated complete administrative and operational authority to the Conference. The Conference only meets for five days each year. How could it effectively administer the thousands of details and decisions that have to be made at the world service level? So the Conference wisely acknowledged that the Trustees who meet quarterly are in a better position to handle those administrative responsibilities. As discussed earlier in Concept Two, since the Board was given this responsibility by the Conference, it must report back to the Conference how it exercises that authority. The Board doesn’t have to wait for the Conference to approve before it can act; it merely reports the actions taken.

So I don’t have to do everything. I can pick people in my house who are better suited for certain tasks. I need to ask for help and I need to do so before I collapse under the weight or pressure of trying to be all things for all people. At the world service level, the Conference acknowledges the leadership of the Trustees. In my home, my family looks to me as a leader (not as a boss) to set the tone for how the work of the family will be accomplished. Some tasks — taking out the trash, doing dishes, or watering the plants — can be delegated with minimal supervision and minimal reporting.

Other tasks involve more detail; a job description that includes minimum expectations may be required. If I want the dog washed and treated with flea preventative monthly, then I may need to spell out the timelines to be accomplished, where the washing is to take place, the type of clothing to be worn (especially if younger children are involved), who will dry the dog afterwards and with what, and then when and how the flea preventative is to be applied.

And I need to pick the right set of skills to match the task. The family member who washes the dog may not have the skills necessary to polish silver or wash the fancy dishes. The person who can cut the lawn may not be the right individual to weed the garden. And as a leader, it is my job to distinguish those tasks and the skills required before I recruit workers.

No one wants to fail. As a leader, I want to have clear discussions in advance, get agreement as to what will be accomplished, and then remove myself from the process.

When I am clear about what the task is and I outline the specific requirements in advance, I can be a leader that I would want to follow. 

Now it is your time to share how utilizing this style of leadership could free you or has freed you in your personal life whether at home, at work, or in any type of service.

Read the chapter on Concept 6 from Paths to Recovery (B-24)
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The rights of appeal and petition protect minorities and insure that they be heard.

Concept Five is about the right to be heard and not the right to be right.  Members are assured that they can ask for what they need (petition) and can ask for a decision to be reconsidered when they believe it to be in grave error (appeal).  How different from my family, when decisions were criticized but never voiced to the body that made them– usually my parents.

This Concept contains the spiritual principle that all opinions must be heard in order to have an informed group conscience.  The majority agrees to listen to the minority.  In return, the minority agrees that once heard, it will support the group conscience and move on to other issues.  It also implies that the minority can not continue to appeal or petition until it gets its way.  To infer that would be to say that the minority must always prevail.  If God is in every group conscience, then such an attitude would say that God wasn’t participating or was misinformed.  A sharing in the Courage to Change reminds me that I can say something once to give my opinion.  I may be able to repeat it once to be sure that I am understood.  If I repeat it after that, I am nagging.  This helped me to understand  that once I was heard, I had to let go of the results.

The pamphlet on the Concepts states that allowing the minority view to be voiced guarantees us that we will never be subject to the tyranny of the majority or the minority.  I had to learn that if the minority was to feel heard, then my behavior needed to show that I was indeed listening.  I had to curtail my eye-rolling, foot-tapping, and general signs of impatience.  I had to realize that God could speak through someone who irritated me;  I only had to listen.  Once the minority is heard, it is time for the majority to decide whether to reconsider its decision, take a new vote, or merely say thank you and remain with the original decision.  How we do this is as important as what is said.

In my home, I have to remember to take time to ask for the minority view.  I used to believe that silence meant agreement.  I thought that if I asked you, you would immediately tell me how you felt.  Why I thought this was possible for you when it was almost never possible for me, I don’t know.  So I’ve learned not to make important decisions without adequate time for discussion and reflection. There are emergencies like a fire when there may not be time to debate which door is the proper exit.  However, most decisions aren’t emergencies, even when we think they are.  I was accustomed to creating crises and then feeling good about myself when I rescued all of you.  My Sponsor suggested that I needed to stop before there was a crisis.

Even when no one voices a contrary view today, I have learned to say, “Well, let’s think it over and discuss it again (state a time).  Would that suit you?”  Then I wait for an answer.  When the time comes, I don’t repeat my opinion.  I merely ask:   “Have you thought about the topic we discussed?  Do you have any additional insights, or are we ready to make a decision?”  In this way, I not only hear the minority view, but I usually make decisions that don’t have to be discussed again after hurt feelings erupt.

Within the fellowship, I have learned to spell out the process that we are going to use to make a decision first.  We seek an understanding of how we will conduct the discourse before the discussion begins.  If conflict arises, we stop and use the tools of the program to resolve the conflict, whenever possible.  We have to acknowledge that there might be people who will not accept the right of the majority to make a decision.  They may still be struggling with mutual trust and respect.  If we demonstrate mutual trust and respect, we might make it safe for them to accept a view even when they believe the decision is wrong.

The majority needs to be willing to listen, but it doesn’t have to change its mind.  And we have to remember that the volume of the speakers is not indicative of the rightness of their positions.  I need to remember these ideas not only when I am in the majority, but also in those instances where I am that minority voice.

Al-Anon’s concern is the freedom and protection of the individual members as well as the unity of the whole. 

Now it is your time to share how the idea of agreeing to listen to the minority view or speaking up when you find yourself in the minority could empower you or has empowered you in your personal time, whether at home, at work, or in any type of service.

Read the chapter on Concept 5 from Paths to Recovery (B-24)
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Participation is the key to harmony.

This Concept is the most often quoted and frequently the least understood. It is quoted as an excuse to meddle. When one wants to give another an opinion, it is always followed by the Concept as the excuse to intrude. What I have come to understand is that participation is only the key to harmony when you are invited to participate.

We discussed in Concept Three the idea of mutual trust. Concept Four is about mutual respect. We learn to ask for help and when we give someone a job, we trust them to do it to the best of their ability. Each person can choose to do the job the way that they see fit within the scope of the responsibility given to them. Participation gives both parties the ability to achieve success. This success builds self respect and when I am able to respect myself, I then have the capacity to respect you.

Before Al-Anon I was frequently in everyone else’s business. I asked for help but then frequently checked on the individual to be sure that they were doing the job correctly—my way. It seldom led to harmony and often created turmoil. Not only was the work not shared but I usually ended up having to do it alone and feeling sorry for myself that no one wanted to help me.

As we practice mutual respect, we understand that there is a limit to the invitation to participate. If I ask you to do my laundry, I am not asking to reorganize my closet or discard clothing that you think has outlived its usefulness. If we exceed the level of the invitation or go beyond our job, then a conflict is sure to arise and neither person is satisfied. Regardless of whether we are issuing the invitation or are the persons being asked, it is each of our job to make sure that we are both clear as to what responsibility is and is not being requested.

If I give you a job and the expectation of what is to be achieved, then the process that you use to get to that goal is none of my business, provided you do not exceed your authority and venture into another’s responsibilities. Frequently, a member will take on a job and then attempt to do everyone else’s job as well. If I ask you to do the dishes, and then stand over you critiquing how you are doing them or once finished, I rewash them, no one will achieve success. Instead of harmony and mutual respect, resentment will be the result.

In our groups, we give the Group Representative the responsibility to voice the group’s understanding and decisions to the appropriate body, but we leave the manner in which is voiced to the autonomy of the member. As we trust that our Representatives have done the job, we build their respect and find that more people are willing to take service responsibilities.

When I treat others with respect, not only do I build their confidence and self-respect, but I also find that I am not so afraid to take on new tasks fearing that I will be criticized or attacked if I don’t do the job correctly.

Now it is your time to share how the idea of mutual respect could empower you or has empowered you in your personal time whether at home, at work, or in any type of service.

Read the chapter on Concept 4 from Paths to Recovery (B-24)
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The right of decision makes effective leadership possible.

Before we move on to Concept Three, let’s review briefly the ideas that build up to Concept Three. Groups have the responsibility and authority. They maintain that responsibility by delegating part of it to their trusted servants. Those trusted servants are held accountable to report back to their groups. Trust is a big issue for many of us who live or have lived with someone else’s problem drinking. In our meetings, we trust the decision of the group because we participated in it. As decisions are made by Al-Anon service arms that are further from the group, some of us find it harder to trust that the members making those informed group consciences had all the information that we wanted them to have—especially, when we don’t agree with the decision. Since I believe that Higher Power is in every group conscience (Tradition Two), I’ve had to accept that God is in every decision even those that I don’t agree with. Then I get to practice acceptance.

Concept Three is about mutual trust. The group trusts its representative to carry its ideas to the larger group conscience (district or Area) and then to listen to other opinions and make the best possible decision for Al-Anon worldwide. The group members can’t all be there to hear the information discussed so it would be unwise for them to continue to insist that their opinion is the only right solution. The group trusts its Group Representative to have the intelligence, experience, and information necessary to make the best decision. The group trusts that whatever the final decision, a Power greater than anyone of us is in charge.

Often, additional information will be shared during the larger group conscience discussion that may cause the Group Representative to change his or her opinion. Regardless, once the decision is made, the Group Representative completes the circle of trust by reporting the final decisions reached back to the group. As a group, we do not need to know how our Representative voted. We only need to know what the final decision was and what points were considered in making the decision. Even if the decision is contrary to the group’s original thinking, it displays its trust in group conscience by celebrating that its opinion was heard and listens to the reasons for the final decision.

Some groups err in trying to direct their Group Representatives in how to vote and demand that they report back to the group that they did in fact vote as directed. Not only does the group undermine the trust required by this Concept, but they, in fact communicate that their Representative is merely a puppet incapable of doing the job that was given them. These same groups also are confused when no one else wants the job after the Group Representative decides to walk away. Realistically, who would want this kind of a task?

I came to realize that I did the same thing with my friends and family. I complained that they never made decisions–but I never let them. I criticized every decision that didn’t agree with my original opinion and then complained when no one would volunteer for the next task. I’ve come to realize that if I really give someone authority to do the job, I need to either allow them to make the best decision within the scope of their authority or I need to give them explicit directions and let them merely carry out my plans.

If I send a loved one to the store and only ask for bread, then any bread that is brought home fulfills the direction I gave. If we get cinnamon toast with caramel icing that qualifies as “bread” and I need to say “thank you”. I also need to be careful not to secretly take it back and buy what I wanted in the first place. If I want a pound loaf of French bread in a paper wrapper from the bakery counter, then I need to say so. I will get what I wanted but I won’t have displayed any level of trust and my loved one will not have been involved in the decision, he was merely my errand boy. Or we could have a discussion about the type of bread that we both want, the purposes intended for its use, and the approximate price we want to spend, and then he has more information and can decide what bread to buy based on those facts. When he brings home the bread, it is his accounting for the decision made.

With the group’s trust, we are allowed to do our jobs. We do the best we can. We freely communicate back about the larger group’s decision because we know that the group trusts us.

When I trust others, I not only relieve myself of the responsibility to do everything but empower my loved ones to make informed decisions and to trust themselves.

Now it is your time to share how the idea of mutual trust could free you or has freed you in your personal time whether at home, at work, or in any type of service.

Read the chapter on Concept 3 from Paths to Recovery (B-24)
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The Al-Anon Family Groups have delegated complete administrative and operational authority to their Conference and its service arms.

I want to thank everyone who shared last month on Concept One.  It is interesting to me how many ways we can get caught up in trying to manage each other’s responsibilities.  It also reminds me that when I take care of myself, I don’t need to try to take care of you.

Concept Two is about accountability.  One of the reasons that I had so much difficulty in letting go of things was that I was afraid that nothing  would get done––or wouldn’t be done according to my preconceived notion of what was perfect.  I needed to know that if I gave you the task,  part of your responsibility was to report back to me as to the progress you were making.  And as I listen to your report, I have to remember again what my responsibility is and what responsibility I delegated to you.

This Concept illustrates that the groups had to delegate responsibility to their Group Representative (GR) in order to have their voice heard.  Group Representatives then must fulfill their responsibilities by reporting back to their groups the decisions that the District or Assembly made.  They also have to discuss issues about which the District or Assembly is seeking broader group input.

I must make time to find out what progress you are making on the job I gave you.  So too must the group make time on its agenda to hear the Group Representative’s report.  Maybe not everything at one time–but times must be agreed to and the time respected.  This is the beginning of how each of us builds trust.

Once the group has given its responsibility for a job to someone; it fulfills its ultimate responsibility and authority by listening attentively to the report given.  How many times did my loved ones claim that they told me things that I didn’t hear because I was so engaged in managing some other task?  My loved one won’t believe that accountability is important to me if I don’t demonstrate its importance by giving my undivided attention. 

In my house, my partner has learned that when he needs to discuss something with me the television is turned off.  That signals me that something important needs to be discussed.  It also signals that I value the conversation about to take place more than some interim entertainment.  If the program is so important, then I can always ask for another time to discuss his concern.

In this way, I am demonstrating the importance of what is about to be said.  We need to remember this idea when the Group Representative is giving his or her report.  If we are reading something, glancing at our watch, rolling our eyes, or sighing, we are sending the message that what is being imparted is not as important as our own agenda.

Group conscience is in fact that larger discussion which allows the group to share its thinking with its trusted servant.  How different it is from our families, where you had to guess what I was thinking if you loved me.  And yet in group conscience, we express our ideas based on what we know; and we trust our representative to convey our understanding as a part of a larger group conscience at the appropriate level. 

When our Group Representative participates in electing the Delegate, our voice is being heard in carrying forth world services at the World Service Conference.  And our Delegates fulfill their responsibility by reporting back to the Group Representatives at an appropriate Assembly.  If we don’t get the understanding of decisions that the Conference made from that Assembly, then we may want to explore whether we allotted enough time for the Delegate to give us the accountability we require.

The one thing that I have learned is that when I allow this process to work, not only does the work get done but I am also pleased that I didn’t have to do it all.

Accountability builds trust in the listener and gives strength and understanding to the person who is actually doing the work.

Now it is your time to share how using accountability could free you or has freed you in your personal life whether at home, at work, or in any type of service.

Read the chapter on Concept 2 from Paths to Recovery (B-24)
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The ultimate responsibility and authority for Al-Anon world services belongs to the Al-Anon groups.

Many members read this Concept and believe it says everything.  The groups have all of the power.  That’s the end of the discussion.  If I apply that thinking to my life, I’m back to “I have all the power and the world will be a better place if you all do what I say.”  That seems to contradict the idea of powerlessness in Step One. 

This Concept is about responsibility.  It essentially clarifies that the groups have the ultimate authority and responsibility.  But if they want to retain it, they are going to have to give up a lot of details that the groups couldn’t possibly manage.  Can you imagine a group meeting that had to discuss every week some aspect of world services?  We’d never get to the meeting topic or the meetings would be hours long.  Newcomers wouldn’t stay and the group’s responsibility to extend the hand of Al-Anon worldwide would be lost.

So the groups hold the ultimate authority and responsibility, but they wisely realized that to maintain it, they had to delegate that authority to others.  This is a common theme that we will see at various levels throughout the Concepts.  The group exercises its authority by electing a group representative (GR) and in larger groups, an alternate or an information service representative (ISR).  This group representative or information service representative attends district meetings, information service meetings, and the Area Assemblies.  At each of these meetings, the agendas focus on that service arm’s part in accomplishing the groups’ responsibility for world services at that level.  The group representative or information service representative brings back the information to the group and takes the group’s group conscience back to the district, information service, etc.

When groups decide not to have a group representative, they have decided to give up their ultimate authority and responsibility.  Without the worldwide connection, they become isolated and uninformed.  

The Concept envisions balancing our need for control.  Before Al-Anon and sometimes even today, things were fine as long as it was according to my plan and conversely it was usually wrong if it was the alcoholic’s idea.  After Al-Anon, I had to learn that there were many times when the alcoholic was right.  And I learned that by sharing some of the responsibility that I took on, I could have time to do other things that I cared about, including taking better care of me.

So we learn that in letting go of control, we actually retain and exercise our true power.

Now, it is your turn to share what you have done or could do to use this Concept in your personal, work, or even Al-Anon service life.

Read the chapter on Concept 1 from Paths to Recovery (B-24)
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To clarify, this discussion format, known as a blog, is a first-time attempt to put the workshop on “Using the Concepts in Our Personal Lives” into a written format–via an electronic, interactive discussion.  It is not an on-line meeting.  It is an attempt to simulate electronically the interaction of members sharing their insights on the Concepts as they would do in a face-to-face workshop.

I first started speaking about the Concepts at a Convention workshop that was basically centered on explaining the meaning of the words within the Legacy.  Over the years, as I became more aware of the Concepts on a deeper spiritual level, I began to discuss how we could use them in our own daily living.  Our three Legacies, the Steps, the Traditions, and the Concepts of Service are the foundation of our recovery.  Most of us are aware of the necessity of working the Steps to heal and restore ourselves, but we generally have viewed the Traditions as something for the groups, and the Concepts were for “those other people” whoever they were.

Under the Introduction tab (in the upper right-hand corner of this page) is an in-depth discussion of the Steps and Traditions.  If this is your first visit here, I suggest that you read it at your leisure.  It may help as you explore the idea that the Legacies are spiritual principles that build one upon the other.  If we don’t begin our recovery in the Steps, and enhance it with the Traditions, we may not be fully ready to expand our spiritual growth as we work the Concepts.  Of course, that doesn’t mean that newcomers can’t participate and learn in the blog, as we all gain insights in a variety of ways and at our own pace.

Let me remind everyone that these are my insights and experiences.  As always, take what you like and leave the rest.  The purpose of this blog, as in the workshop, is to share what I have discovered in hopes that it will lead you to a new and broader understanding for your own recovery.  We all know there is no one way to do it, but as my Sponsor said frequently, “But, do it!!!!”

As I stated earlier, this is not an on-line meeting so we don’t have permission to quote Al-Anon or any other literature.  As it is not Conference Approved Literature in fact or concept, it is not appropriate to print it and distribute in a face-to-face group or electronic meeting.  If you wish to print it for your personal use, that’s fine, but you need written permission from the World Service Office in order to copy and distribute regardless of your purpose.

Each of us has the ability to share what a Concept now means to him or her and how as individuals we have used it or could in the future.  Don’t worry about grammar or spelling.  The readers here are interested in your thoughts not your literary style.  It really isn’t Conference Approved Literature!

Let’s have fun and learn together.