Introduction
As I said in the brief introduction, I’ve come to understand that the Legacies are a set of spiritual principles that build one upon the other to create a healthy foundation of recovery. Like other spiritual principles they are often hard to fully comprehend at first; as we mature and grow in the program, we gain new insight and our recovery strengthens and expands. I’ve also learned that because these principles build one upon the other, we can’t use one out of context to prove a point without understanding the surrounding structure of the other Legacies. Just as we can’t work the Steps successfully out of sequence (and believe me I’m speaking from personal experience), we need all of the Legacies to improve our lives in “all our affairs”.
As I said, the principles build one upon the other; no part of the program works until we are willing to admit our powerlessness over alcohol and the impact that it and the alcoholic had on our lives. Continuing to look for solutions, trying one more thing, or making excuses for others only keeps us stuck and prevents us from moving on.
As we come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves can help us, we are forced to accept that we can’t do everything. I sure tried which is why I was so exhausted when I got here. We are also reminded that we can be restored to sanity. I was insane, but I did believe that my Higher Power could restore me to sanity–which was no easy task with all my denial.
Having struggled with powerlessness, I thought I made the decision to turn my life and will over to the care of God. I didn’t, but I thought I had. The miracle was it worked well enough to give me the courage to let go more often. Yes, God was able to be successful without Ric. What a concept.
In making my inventory, I wasn’t fearless as much as I was clueless. I thought that I was responsible for everything. If I was to blame, I could fix it. My list of defects outlined that insanity and left nothing for positive characteristics. Without help from my Sponsor, I didn’t recognize many of my defects were actually positive characteristics taken to extremes.
Admitting those defects to God, to myself, and to my Sponsor caused me to get honest. I was fooling all of you, I thought. Actually I was only fooling myself. My Sponsor told me to ask God for guidance as I examined these defects and to refine my list as I gained more understanding.
In asking my Higher Power for that understanding, I was preparing myself to have these defects removed. In seeking that guidance, I had to affirm again that this was only about willingness not action, and again the removal was not solely up to me.
As I asked in humility to have these defects removed, I was shown the benefits that I thought these behaviors had brought me in the past. Until I could believe that these defects no longer worked for me and that there were no real benefits–in continuing them, God wouldn’t remove them successfully.
I made a list of those I had harmed, but I left myself off the list. As I prepared to make the amends, it was my Sponsor who explained that if I didn’t truly forgive myself, how could others forgive me. Later I learned that the self-forgiveness was the key to the Ninth Step, not the forgiveness of others—that was just a bonus and it didn’t always happen.
By taking my inventory every day in some fashion, I could keep my mind clear of the past and not build up new burdens for the future. Often, the understanding of something that I did incorrectly today gave me insight to release something else from the past.
In prayers and meditation, I tried to build an active relationship with the God of my understanding. I had to pray often: “Not my will, God, but yours.” And you know that was the hardest prayer, when a difficult situation arose. This daily contact leads me gently to the First Step again reminding me that it wasn’t mine to fix.
Then as a result of these Steps, I had the spiritual awakening. It wasn’t a “burning bush” moment. It was a gradual understanding that these Steps could improve my life and I could leave others to improve theirs. As I carried the message, I needed to match my behavior with my words and I needed to practice this program in the grocery line or the airline ticket counter as though I were sitting in the meeting room.
I was sure that I was finished and could coast for the rest of my life, but my Higher Power, through my Sponsor, just keep prodding. So I began to apply the Traditions.
Now like many of us, in the beginning I thought the Traditions were truly boring. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it. We have to be nice to one another. But, of course, that wasn’t it.
Within my group and later with my family and friends, I had to gain these spiritual principles. Our group needs to focus on what unites us –the effects of someone else’s drinking, or we can not succeed in helping ourselves find serenity. We all have outside issues that seem more important. If each of us focuses on them, we will start dividing ourselves. The group won’t grow nor will I. I’ll be back to the old thinking, “I’m special and you don’t understand.” So our meetings focus on what each of us has in common: we’ve been affected by someone else’s drinking. I came to understand that is why we use only Conference Approved Literature, because it speaks with our common voice about our common experiences. In my family, I need to focus on what unites us and let go of those outside disputes or behaviors. Just as I don’t get to change my group, I can’t change my family. I hate it, but it’s true.
In the group and in our homes, there is only one authority and it’s not me or another long-time member. It’s God and we find out His will for us through group conscience. We have a discussion that takes enough time to allow everyone to gain an understanding and awareness. Then we vote. We are not always unanimous but we accept the group conscience because it’s important that we understand that God is in every group conscience–especially those that we don’t agree with.
We stick to the focus of our program and we don’t bring in outside purposes. Each member gets to choose to be a part of the group. I don’t get to decide that, just as I can’t decide who wants to be in my birth family. Our pioneers dealt with people who had problems other than alcohol. They invited them to come back if they felt our program could help them because alcohol often was a problem in the immediate family or close relative. Allowing them to stay gave them the opportunity to find their own way and helped me to mind my own business. It became a key ingredient for healthy family interaction at my house.
By keeping the focus on who we are and what we do, we can encourage others, ourselves and eventually the alcoholic. Many times as I listen to a newcomer, I not only remember the pain, but I often find a new insight into a problem that I’ve been struggling with that I didn’t think related to alcoholism at all.
We don’t lend our name to outside enterprises because of money, property, and prestige diverting us from our goal of helping families and friends of alcoholics. Groups, districts, Areas, the World Service Conference, the World Service Office, and the General Service Offices in 34 countries are not outside entities. We can give our money, support, and respect to those who are working for us. But we don’t lend our name to the church where we meet, the local counselor who wants to use Al-Anon to recruit new patients, or a treatment center that tries to use the Al-Anon name to describe its own family therapy program. I had to learn that my family couldn’t do everything and often not all of us wanted to support the same activity. Giving us freedom to do what we wanted outside of the family (group), freed us from being pulled away from the primary focus of our family (group) interaction.
I had to be self-supporting, not only for Al-Anon and its service arms but for myself. I used to give my money away to others (alcoholics) and then never had enough for me. I’ve learned that in being self-supporting, I have to take the time necessary to work the Steps each day and to give back to Al-Anon through service a portion of what was given to me. This is my spiritual right which Al-Anon allows me. As I become fully self-supporting in my family, I’m easier to be around¬¬–less needy, no poor me, and more fully engaged to participate.
Twelfth Step work is nonprofessional, so I am careful never to mix what I do for employment with the message that I carry. I am more important to a newcomer when I identify with his or her pain. They care less about where I work or how long I’ve been in the program. I’m not the Al-Anon authority; I’m one member reaching out to another. And I really have to remember to practice that within my family. I may not be able to carry the message directly to them—so I’d best be careful that my actions and interactions match my words. Al-Anon can hire special workers to do the day-to-day tasks that others can’t do. I learned that I can hire people to do jobs around my home that would never get done if I wait for me or someone else to do them. And even if it’s not perfect, it is done.
I laugh when I read about the groups not being organized. That is about as likely as my being able to see the top of my desk in the near future. We can create service boards and committees but we are all responsible back to the entities that created us. There are no authorities in Al-Anon; the group conscience guides each of us at whatever level. And if we want others to do the work, we have to give them the tools and resources necessary to do the job in a manner that will suit us all.
Just as I keep my opinions on outside issues out of the meeting; I’ve learned to keep them to myself in my family. Drawing Al-Anon into a public controversy would lead others away from Al-Anon, just as expecting everyone in my family think the way I do about politics or religion will drive my loved ones away.
Our policy is to attract others; not promise them things. That’s why Al-Anon doesn’t have promises or guarantees. Each of us finds what we need here and we share that with others. The way I worked the Steps is not important to you except to give you insight as you work them. I can carry the message outside my group. I can break my own anonymity without violating the Traditions as long I don’t do it in the press, on the radio, films, or the internet. That is the public level. There is no prohibition against talking to my doctor, the librarian, or my minister. I talked to them and anyone else who would listen when the alcoholics were drinking. Now I can explain what Al-Anon is and how it can help families and friends of alcoholics, perhaps even sharing how it helped me.
As I understand anonymity, it is my guide to personal humility. The more I realize that everything is not about me, the more useful I can be to my group, my family, and even my fellow workers. And just as it isn’t about me, what you do has no effect on me unless I give you that power. Your way of doing things, your manner of speaking, even the way that you dress, eat, or stand are none of my business. If I let those things impact me, I lose the ability to learn the powerful message that God has sent by your presence in my life. Just as I learned that the Steps were not the end, now my life is expanded by the Traditions and I’m ready to reach out to the rest of the world by applying the Concepts in my personal life.
I hope this was as helpful for you as it was for me to restate my insights on the Legacies in my own words. Please return now to the blog and join us as we all learn more about the Concepts and ourselves.
