Serenity, while coping with cancer

The first time I had breast cancer, I didn’t have Al-Anon. I didn’t know how to ask for help. I was too ashamed of the imperfection of my marriage and my inability to fix my alcoholic husband. Surely no one would be willing to help someone so unworthy.

So I went to medical appointments alone. I pushed through and held on, doing my treatment but otherwise ignoring and dismissing the whole experience as best I could.

This second time with breast cancer I do have Al-Anon. And that makes so much difference. I have been willing and able to ask for help. And so I have been given the gifts of food, help, company, and support.

At meetings, I’m able to cry with people when I feel crummy and openly admit it when I’m scared. When I felt low I asked my friends to send cards and my days were immeasurably cheered.

I pray to God specifically about helping me deal with the symptoms and the fears—and I can sit in peace.

My body has to physically deal with the treatments alone, but I needn’t hide and white knuckle the rest of the effects. In the middle of six months of chemo I hit a hard time. My Sponsor helped me do a thorough Fourth Step about my resentments toward cancer. I had an opportunity to use the program for improved spiritual health.

Here was another disease that I was trying to control, but am powerless over. I had gone back to old behaviors and back to the way I used to feel: small, sad, and hiding.

Nothing could show me more clearly that I need Al-Anon, regardless of whether the catalyst is an alcoholic or cancer. We went through the Steps and I was able to replace fear with faith and breathe easier. I could actively do what my body and soul need, and accept that sometimes I feel yucky anyway. I am learning to accept that I can’t control the outcome.

I use the slogans and principles of the program—and my life is better. “Easy Does It,” when I’m tired; “One Day at a Time,” when my head is confused by choices. Gratitude is a way to ease myself into deeper prayer. And doing service by talking to the newly diagnosed makes my ongoing treatment easier. I am able to stay open, see my gifts, and let go of what I can’t control. I have more serenity—and even happiness—in the midst of my difficulties.

By Linda-Jo, Washington
The Forum, May 2007

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