From violence and abuse to serenity in Al-Anon

My life was falling apart. The alcoholic had been in and out of treatment centers at least three or four times in the previous three years. I had just gotten a second restraining order against him when he threatened to kill my son and me.

My son watched his father get handcuffed and taken away to jail. I tried to hide the chaos and verbal abuse, but he remembers bits and pieces, even though he was only three. There was screaming, yelling, and furniture broken in the middle of the night. When I called the police, the alcoholic took the telephone away from me and smashed it.

I was angry, sad, and becoming crazier daily.

I remember yelling at the alcoholic and he calmly said to me, “You’re crazy.” I must have looked like a wild animal. I yelled, screamed, begged, pleaded, prayed, got on my knees in front of him—and yet nothing worked. He still drank, had affairs, and verbally abused me. Yet I would take him back because I loved him.

The alcoholic was bragging about his life coming together—and my life was falling apart. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t take care of my son or myself.

I wanted to end my life and I thought about it seriously. I cried until no more tears could come–and thought about who would take care of my son if I died.

I called a crisis center and they referred me to Al-Anon. I was so ashamed of myself, my life, my actions, everything. I couldn’t go into the meeting the first time I tried. The second meeting, my second attempt, I walked through the doors and saw all these smiling, happy people who welcomed me, didn’t criticize me, didn’t judge me, didn’t call me stupid. They just let me cry. I listened and a huge burden was removed from my shoulders the first night.

The alcoholic is no longer in our lives, but I have to “Live and Let Live.” My son hasn’t seen or heard from his father for almost three years. Occasionally he asks me questions about him.

I remember saying, “No more craziness,” but I never said, “Stop being a father.” Sometimes I miss him, but I never miss the early morning awakenings, the arguing, the pawning of things, the lies, the broken promises, or being broke all the time.

I pray for the alcoholic and thank God everyday for leading me to Al-Anon. I am so grateful for my Sponsor and all my friends I’ve met in Al-Anon. Thank you for saving my life because now, I want to live. I was worth saving.

By Lori T., Iowa
The Forum, October 2007

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