Al-Anon gave me back my sense of self

I came to my first meeting to try to stop my husband from drinking. I knew he was a good person at heart. He just changed so much when he drank. Al-Anon members welcomed me, shared with me, and I became part of this great fellowship.

I never knew how disturbed I was—cleaning windows at midnight, doing laundry first thing in the morning before fixing breakfast or dressing the children. I had a great need to be organized and be one step ahead, running a race of a life. I thought I was okay.

My husband got sober. We were a great A.A. family, and to prove this we had three A.A. babies, bringing up our total number of children to six. Life was far from perfect, but it was better without the drinking. I resented the time he spent at A.A. meetings, so I opened our home to A.A.s so I could share that part of his life.

I wanted my dream family. We bought a bigger house, got a bigger car, then a much bigger house, other things became more important. I still went to meetings, but was not as engaged in recovery as I once had been.

The dream fell apart when my husband had an affair, which turned into a long-term relationship. I was devastated, I loved this man. My recovery had slipped and I wasn’t equipped to handle this.

After much pain I was back to working the Steps, giving my all to recovery. I knew there was no other road for me. After years of living lies, I finally got the courage to ask him to leave the family home. This was difficult for my children and hard for me to watch their pain.

Al-Anon had given me a sense of self, so I wasn’t the bitter, twisted person that bad-mouthed their dad or his new partner to them. I’m not perfect, but I’m willing to grow. I hurt too.

Three years ago, my youngest son, the darling of the family, died from an overdose after a long struggle with a mental health illness. He had lived at home with me. My love for him was unconditional, but I had found it hard to deal with some of his behavior.

The Al-Anon program and members have nursed me back to living again. My pain is still raw at the loss of my son, but I accept his life was not in my hands. He had a power in his life too. I tried to understand the reason for his death, but had to come to a place of acceptance that in this life I’ll never know the reason; I just have to trust.

My recovery in Al-Anon has been a journey, I learn about me every day. Life throws challenges and I now watch how I react. Sometimes I meddle, sometimes I interfere; sometimes I get it wrong, sometimes I get it right; but I always have to come to a place where I say, “Hi God, it’s you and me for today. I’ll take your guidance and direction, because I’m powerless. I know whatever happens, I’ll be able to deal with it because I’m no longer alone.”

By Anonymous, Northern Ireland
The Forum, July 2010

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